A Letter To His Girlfriend, From The Other Woman Who Wishes She Knew Better

You must know about me by now.

Don’t worry; he didn’t love me any more than he loved you. For some time I tried to convince myself otherwise, like maybe if my body was a palace and yours was a dark alley it would make sense for him to leave yours without really leaving, and to sleep in mine without paying rent.

Sometimes I felt like I was doing you a favor, like maybe even in the moral blackness of letting him rip someone else’s heart from someone else’s body, I would still be noble.

Mostly, I was just convinced that someday soon he would choose just one of us, and that person would be me.

I know I owe you more than an excuse, but let me finish. I spent so much time insisting that you and I were in competition. Every quality of yours I overheard through the grapevine put me on the defense.

I needed to be the opposite of what you were. Others said you were crazy; I could force calm. They said you were too cute; I could roughen myself around the edges.

I let opinions draw a caricature of you, and likewise, I let my fear of losing him draw my own. But now I see that we were both the same: both scared, both vulnerable and both holding out for someone who could never fully commit.

I was wrong for not realizing that sooner. I know now that the way he treated both of us had little to do with how we stacked up against each other.

The other night, my friend overheard him say at a party that his girlfriend made him angry and he needed to cheat to get her back.

It wasn’t because his current girlfriend isn’t pretty enough or because the other girl is the one he really wants. To him, affection is a currency for which every woman in his life must ceaselessly prove her worth.

Though he would have crushed your heart regardless, I’m ashamed that I rationalized something so selfish on his part so that I could act so selfishly on mine.

As ashamed as I am for what I did, I’m even more ashamed of myself for the things I didn’t do, like think about your feelings. I didn’t stop chasing, I didn’t stop him from pitting us against each other and I didn’t look inside myself, even for a second, to find some compassion for you or some love for myself.

I thought that I was above this sort of thing. Never would I have imagined myself the sort of person who would get so wrapped up in a quest to win somebody who wasn’t mine — and from under the nose of someone like you, who didn’t deserve it.

Though it’s been a while now, I still wonder how I sank to such a low place. Why do situations like these drive women like you and me away from each other? Why does it take so much time for us to realize that we are both casualties of the same self-serving cruelty?

I know I still have my own mistakes to answer for, but if I could do it all again, I would have gotten to know you. Then when he came charging into my arms after your fights, insisting it was me he really wanted, I could toss him back into yours.

Then maybe we would never have to experience this mutual bitterness and shame. Maybe this story could end differently. Maybe this story could become one where we both nod knowingly and walk away knowing, or even just hoping, that we are worth more than he would ever see.

Sincerely,

The Regretful Other Woman

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To All The Guys I Loved Before III

Dear Jet,

We both knew it was a game. A game that didn’t seem valid in any way. A short-lived illusion. A temporary satisfaction to our lost souls. Not much to remember but that stupid old love song that we both obsessed about. The beer buckets, the long jeepney rides. The strange places we have beemn. unconventional, sometimes unpleasant, most of the the time awkward. 

You were just there to have fun. i was looking for something deeper. I hang onto to your words for the future. They were all superficial. i was so amazed by your knowledge in things I never knew. the 10 year gap was nothing to me, I was learning. I loved the thrill. But I don’t know if i really loved you for you. So I am taking this time to include you in my list. Because the madness that I experienced with you is borderline love. 

I don’t know where you are now. If you and your wife got back together. If you have another kid or if you’re still lonely, like the night I met you. i remember you from time to time. And sorry if I tend to forget. Maybe some things are just better to be stuck in that part of the brain where it is untouched. 

To All The Guys I Loved Before II

Dear Kalvin,

You were my savior. You picked up the shattered pieces of my heart even when you know it was impossible to fix it. We had such a short period if time knowing each other. You were my crying shoulder, you were the warm hugger that I needed when I was left alone by my first love.

You were so sweet and innocent. Those pretty little kisses that we did, the sweaty palms that we had whenever we hold hands while walking.. The letters you gave me became my weakness. You knew everything that you should do for me not to cry in the middle of our conversations…

We knew we were not going to last. You knew i wasnt ready to love another guy. I knew you tried your best. We both knew it was wrong. We both knew it wasnt going to work for so long.

I am sorry. I am sorry if i promised to love you back like i never loved anybody before. I am sorry for lying. Sorry for making you a reason to escape the pain i was feeling. Sorry for dragging you through the pain as well. You didnf deserve me.

Thank you for trying to love me. Thank you for understanding me and accepting me as I am. You somehow made me complete. You made me feel, in a very short time that I am still worthy to be loved and aporeciated. Thank you for being such a good listener. Thank you for keeping up with an emotinal wreck.

Thank you for being such a good friend even after everything thar happened. I am so happy for you.

Yes you dont deserve me, you deserve someone better. You deserve the best.

I miss you.
I love you, but not like 2011.

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To All The Guys I Loved Before

Dear Javes,

You are my first love. You the first of my many firsts… you were my best friend, my teacher, my prince charming rolled into one. You are mysterious, unpredictable even in my wildest dreams. I adored you. My world revolved around you, amazed with your every move, so rugged yet so graceful in my eyes. You captivated my young heart, believed in the magic of your words, hypnotized by the scent of your skin, stabbed my heart by your sharp, deep eyes, your strong arms and your assuring hands… You were my dream come true. I thought I’d never have you… your sense of humor that freezes time is what I miss every now and then, your witty remarks and smart ass comebacks are paralyzing… just a thought of those moments makes me feel so young again. You are my adventure man. You brought me to places I’ve never been… you showed me things I never thought existed. You taught me things I have never imagined. I was caught in your realm of mystery. High in the sky, never touching ground… Never thought that gravity still existed and bruises and scars are the next best things i have found…

You held me up so high in the atmosphere, i almost died. The air was so thin, my throat was so dry. My eyes are filled with tears. Torn up tears, not knowing if I still want you or if I still want myself… The days felt like endless nights… my heart crying out to you but your ears were deaf. I tried. You know i tried. I tried holding you tight. I tried stopping the fight. I tried letting you know. I tried letting you go. I loved you so much and i didnt care about myself at all. You hurt me so much, i wanted to hurt you, i wanted to make you fall.

As the words tore us apart… As the bruises and scars come up… we hardened our hearts. I was so confused.You told me you loved me. But i was so angry.

Lies. Lies. Lies and more lies…
I felt stupid and wanted revenge. I wanted you to feel how i felt. We used each other… but one way or another we both knew we’d lose. A lot of things, a lot of people were affected. A lot of situations have ended. And after that one last kiss, after that one last look in your eyes, we died. I never saw you again. I never saw the boy I met almost 14 years ago. I never saw the man i fell in love with 8 years ago…

I never knew what was on your mind. I never knew if you ever even loved me or if everything was just a lie.

And now I am writing this as a tribute to you. A crazy memory of the guy i always looked up to. It has been 4 years since i heard your voice… I saw you a week ago… and A LOT HAS CHANGED.

It felt awkward. It felt weird. It felt crazy. I get goosies just thinking about it. You were standing just 20 feet away from me. I knew it was you. Your signature relaxed posture. That beard (man, you’re hairy!) Those deep, sharp eyes. But something almost stopped me from looking at you. Those lips. That smile. You looked so HAPPY. I felt bad for myself, thinking where I’d I go wrong? And why the hell did I stop here just to look at you? Then paranoia kicked in:

"Fck! Did he just see me? He’s looking over here! Shit! Where’s my sunglasses?!" "I bet he wont even recognize me. I dyed my hair way too many times for him to even know it’s me!" "What the hell am I still doing here? Run!"

So I left that corner because I knew I was creeping people out. And you weren’t looking at me.

And yes. I cried. I missed you. I really did. My heart was pounding so loud, i thought it was going to explode! Then this is where the flashback began…

Today, i decided to do this because i know i had to. I have to. I want to say sorry… sorry for being so fucking mad at you. Sorry for saying shit about you. I know it’s lame. And i know that this is an asshole move. But here. I know my pride reached Mordor but i am saying sorry now. And dont you fucking think that im doing this because i want you back. I miss you but i dont want you back… i see that youre very happy now.

And my promise still stays the same: YOUR HAPPINESS IS MY HAPPINESS.

Thank you. Thank you for making me who I am today. You are a big part of my life. The laughter, the pain, all the experiences are now lessons.

I miss you. You have set high standards for the next man who I will encounter in my life…

I love you but not like 2005.

And most of all, I FORGIVE YOU.

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Flying high…. Lost in space, all i hear is this song… It’s in fckng repeat..

So ghetto… I love it!

'I love my baby to death…”

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Spine chilling mothafcka. I love you Kurt!

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Head bangin Saturdaaaaaaaaaaaaaay!!!! 

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